Advising/Criticizing without offending‏


Asalaam Wa Alykum Wa Rahmat Allah Hi Wa Barakat

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Perhaps we all have experienced the situation where we meant to convey a correct criticism with good intentions to a friend, but it has unintentionally leaded to displeasure and annoyance. Have we ever thought about the best way to increase the effectiveness of criticism?

None of us like others correcting our mistakes or advising us (especially guys because they are supposed to be very independent {roll eyes}). If someone blames us of something or points out our mistakes, we become insecure and start defending ourselves. This is because we all have some hypocrisy in our heart. Yes that includes me and you too! Thus it becomes a huge responsibility upon the one who is correcting the mistake of others or advising them, to do it in a proper manner.

Many of us like giving advices to others or correcting their faults. And Mashallah it is an extremely good thing to help out your brother/sister in Islam. In fact, there is a Hadith which states that if you see evil/wrong you should change it. The Hadith is as follows:

The Prophet (PBUH) said: “Whoever among you sees an evil action, then let him change it with his hand [by taking action]; if he cannot, then with his tongue [by speaking out]; and if he cannot, then with his heart – and that is the weakest of faith.” [Muslim (70) from Abu Sa’eed]

Al-Nawawi (RA) said in Sharh Saheeh Muslim: The words of the Prophet (PBUH), “let him change it” mean that this is obligatory according to the consensus of the Ummah, and there is overwhelming evidence from the Qur’an and Sunnah and scholarly consensus that it is obligatory to enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil, and it also comes under the heading of naseehah (sincerity or sincere advice) which is Islam.

So we should actually be eager to help out other Muslim believers to become even better and excel in their duties/obedience towards Allah. However, in our eagerness, we sometimes let our emotions get the better of us and forget about this ayaat of the Quran:

“Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious: for thy Lord knoweth best, who have strayed from His Path, and who receive guidance” [ An Nahl 16:125 ----- interpretation of the meaning]

This ayaat basically refers to those who call others to Islam. But just think, if we are expected to advice and correct the ways of the disbelievers in a profound and polite manner then what about our Muslim brothers and sisters, towards whom we have a greater obligation?

In addition, we should always be fair and just, even when we are talking about someone who we care about. Our decisions should not be influenced by friendship, hatred, or bloods ties, but remain fair and impartial. An ideal Muslim/Muslimmah always takes the side of the truth over anyone else and not let his/her emotions cloud his/her judgement. If one fears this, it is better for him/her to stay silent and remember the words of Allah when He says in the Quran:

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And do not approach the orphan's property except in a way that is best until he reaches maturity. And give full measure and weight in justice. We do not charge any soul except [with that within] its capacity. And when you testify, be just, even if [it concerns] a near relative. And the covenant of Allah fulfill. This has He instructed you that you may remember.” [Al-An’am 6:152----interpretation of the meaning]



Surely, advising in anger can be influenced by the Satan.

Before I write any further, jot down the MOST important condition while giving advice or correcting faults of others.....SINCERETY. Yes sincerity! Our intention should ONLY and ONLY be to please Allah by helping our brother/sister to improve. It should not be to degrade the other person or to show that we are better. Also remember that jealousy is a grave thing which can sometimes lead one to wrongly assume things about the other person.  Also, advising in private is better and more effective than in public.

 I’ve mostly seen two patterns when people correct/advice others. One is very effective while the other is not as effective at all.



Be very direct and say it on the face

This is very ineffective. While some may actually see the truth behind your harsh/offending/straight forward style, many will just get annoyed and let their ego/waswassas hide the truth and concentrate on your rough, rude style. They are less likely to accept what you say to them because it will be like they are degrading themselves in front of you by listening to you. Your words may be true but your style of saying it might make your advice useless. It might also show that your intentions are not set right.



Be considerate and relate to the feelings of the other person

The most effective method so far. This kind of way illustrates that your intention is not to degrade the person, by making him/her feel dumb, but to actually help him/her. It also demonstrates your sincerity more vividly. The person will be more willing to listen with a calm mind and act upon your advice because of your inoffensive manner. Your main approach is not to claim that you are right and the other person is wrong and dumb, but that we all are humans and prone to error and the wisest is s/he who listens and learns from his/her mistakes and rectifies it. Therefore, to assure that a criticism does not hurt one's pride, the criticizer has to set the mistake as the main target of his criticism rather than its performer.

We have excellent examples from the people of the past. One of which is as follows:

 An old man sat to do his Wudu (Ablution). But his Wudu was not correct. Imam Hasan (a.s.) and Imam Hussain (a.s.), the grandsons of the Prophet Mohammad (saw), then two young boys, watched him. They immediately realized that the old man was not doing his Wudu correctly, but hesitated to tell him directly. Perhaps the old man would feel humiliated by two young boys, or he might even lose interest in the act of worship.

Sitting next to him, they started to do the Wudu and during the Wudu, Imam Hasan (a.s.) said: "Oh Hussain my Wudhu is correct and more perfect than yours."

In reply, Imam Hussain (a.s.) insisted that his own Wudu was better than Imam Hasan's.

Finally they said: "Let us refer to this gentleman. He is older than us and should be able to decide."

The old man was listening patiently. The boys performed their Wudu under his supervision, one after the other. And when they had finished, he realized the Wudu done by the boys was methodical and correct. It was his own Wudu which was incorrect. Turning to Imam Hasan (a.s.) and Imam Hussain (a.s.), he gently said: "The Wudu done by you is correct. I am grateful that you chose to guide me in such a beautiful manner."

Imam Hassan (as) and Imam Hussain (as) neither criticized the old man, nor reproached him for his ignorance of the ruling of Islam. Moreover, they did not refer to his way of performing Wudu, nor did they call his action void. Rather, they performed Wudu themselves and taught the old man its correct way indirectly. The result of this polite and wise criticism was that the old man confessed to his mistake explicitly, learned how to perform Wudu correctly, and thanked them with kindness and pleasure.

Thus, before correcting or advising anyone, spend some time in thinking of a way to rectify them without offending them a lot. Keep in mind, this does not mean you manipulate the truth or the likes.

 





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References:
[1] Al-Munajjid, M.S. (n.d.). “Should He denounce evil and remind people to stop it every time it happens?” Retrieved from http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/104020/stop%20evil
[2] “Imam hasan (a.s.) and amr bil maroof (enjoining good).” (2009, October 03). Retrieved from http://www.ezsoftech.com/stories/imamhassan1.asp


Wa-alykum Assalaam Wa Rahmat Allah Hi Wa Barakat!