Ideal Muslim Series
An Ideal Husband
Asalaam Wa Alykum Wa Rahmat Allah Hi Wa Barakat
Marriage is a union of souls, in the deepest sense. Allah joins these two souls together so that they may enjoy tranquility and stability in a marital home filled with sincere love and compassionate mercy. In Islam, the righteous women is viewed as one of the joys of this life, and a great blessing to a man, for he comes home to her and relaxes after facing the struggles of life, and finds with her incomparable peace, comfort and pleasure. Just as the Prophet (PBUH) has said:
“This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous women” (Muslim)
On the basis of this view of marriage and of women, the ideal Muslim is not just attracted by the superficial physical beauty, grace and elegance that are the sole concern of empty- headed youngsters. While he may NOT ignore physical looks, he must look for strong religious beliefs and practice, intelligence and good behaviour, following the advice of the Prophet (PBUH):
“A woman may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari & Muslim)
This Hadith indicate that the best things to pay attention to are religious commitment and good character in the woman.
Although the Prophet (PBUH) advised the young Muslim to look for a religious wife, this does not mean that he should ignore his preferences regarding physical beauty. The Prophet (PBUH) encouraged seeing a women before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim will not find himself trapped in a marriage with a women he finds unattractive. The Prophet (PBUH) emphasized, in more than one Hadith, the fact that beauty is one of the basic characteristics that a man should look for in a woman, besides the other, moral, characteristics that are desirable.
However, if one dreams to marry a very righteous wife, he should work on trying to make himself righteous too. Furthermore, he should know his responsibilities and her rights over him rather than only knowing his rights over her.
The Ideal Husband
He follows the guidance of Islam in his married life
The Islamic recommendations concerning women, and the way in which Islam encourages men to respect them, are nothing short of amazing. Islam recommends men to treat women well, and give them a status that they have never enjoyed in any other religion. So we see the Prophet (PBUH) admonishing all men:
“Treat women kindly, for woman was created from a rib. The part of it that is most bent is the top. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain bent. So treat women kindly.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
According to a report given by Muslim, he (PBUH) said:
“Woman was created from a rib. She will never be straight forward and consistent for you in any way. If you enjoy her (or your relationship with her), you will do so in spite of her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her and her breaking is her divorce.”
This description given by the Prophet (PBUH) eloquently describes the reality and nature of woman. He should not try to straighten her in the way he is convinced is correct, but he should respect her unique feminine nature and accept her the way Allah made her, complete with ‘crookedness’ meaning she will not be as he wishes in some aspects.
When the Muslim husband truly follows this guidance of the Prophet (PBUH), which is based on a deep understanding of the psychology and nature of women, he will tolerate his wife’s mistakes and turn a blind eye to her faults, recognising that these are part of her nature. Thus the marital home will be safe and calm, free from shouting or arguments.
The Prophet’s (PBUH) gave many recommendations concerning women, to the extent that he describes the man who treats his wife well as being one of the best and among the elite of this Ummah:
“The believer who has the most perfect faith is the one whose behaviour is best, and the best of you are the ones who are best to their women.” [Al Tirmidhi]
When a man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and told him that he wanted to divorce his wife because he disliked her, Umar said, “Woe to you! Are families only built on love? Where is your consideration and care?”
The true Muslim possesses enough chivalry, nobility, courtesy, patience generosity and strength of character to make him rise above any dislike of his wife in his dealings with her. The true Muslim knows how to love and how to hate. Love is not blind for him, neither does he go to extremes of dislike and hatred, but in either case his attitude is moderate and balanced.
The true Muslim is an ideal husband
He cannot be other than an ideal husband, so his wife enjoys his gentle company and close companionship, no matter how long they stay together. When he comes home, he greets his wife and children with a smiling face and extents to them the blessed greetings that Allah has enjoined and made the distinctive greeting of Islam. He should lend a hand if he sees that his wife needs his help, and he should say some words of comfort if he feels that she is complaining of tiredness, weariness or boredom. He should make her feel that she is living with a strong, generous, tolerant husband who will protect her and care for her, who cares about her and will meet all her legitimate needs as long as he is able.
He should also satisfy her femininity by making himself attractive to her- within Islamic limits-and should give her a share of his time and interest. He should not let his study, work, hobbies, responsibilities or friends take up all of his time and keep him from her. Be it 15 mins a day, he should spend some quality time with her.
Islam guarantees women’s right to enjoy her husband to the extent that it even tells the husband not to spend all his time in worship, which is the best and most honourable of deeds. The conscientious Muslim does not neglect to relieve the tedium of routine life with his wife, so he spices their daily life with a little gentle humour and playfulness from time to time. In doing so he follows the example of Prophet (PBUH).
Aisha (the wife of the Prophet) reported that once, when she went on a journey with the Prophet (PBUH), she challenged him to a race, and won. Later when she had gained weight, she raced him again, but this time he won, and told her, “This is for that.” [Ahmad & Abu Dawud]
The generous-hearted Prophet (PBUH) was so keen to make beloved young wife feel happy that he would call her to enjoy some innocent kinds of entertainment that would gladder her heart. Aaisha reports on one occasion:
“The Prophet (PBUH) was sitting, and he heard some noise from people and children outside. There was a group of people gathered around some Abyssinians who were dancing. He said, ‘O Aaisha, come and see!’ I put my cheek on his shoulder and looked through the gap. Then he said, ‘O Aaisha, have you had enough, have you had enough?’ I said , ‘No,’ just to see how much I meant to him, and I saw him shifting his weight from one foot to the other” (i.e. he was tired, but he was willing to stay as long as she wanted to watch the spectacle.) [Al-Nisai via Yazid ibn Ruman from Aaisha]
When he sees the example of the Prophet’s (PBUH) kind behaviour, generosity and good humour towards his wives, the true Muslim cannot but treat his wife kindly and gently, with an easy going attitude, so long as this is within the limits of permissible and innocent entertainment.
The true Muslim does not overreact and become angry for trivial reasons, as many ignorant husbands do, creating uproar if their wives offer them food which is not to their liking, or their meal is a little late or any other silly reason. These foolish husbands become angry without caring to know those reasons, on the basis of an incorrect understanding of the phrase, “men are qawwam un over women!”
The true Muslim does not stop at showing kindness towards his wife only, but he extends his respect towards her decent (female) friends too. A wife may become angry for any reason, and keep away from her husband, making him feel her anger. In this case a Muslim husband responds with tolerance and kindness, based on his deep insight into the psychology and nature of women. The Prophet’s wives used to argue with him and when angry, would keep away from him all day, until night falls. He used to be tolerant with them and show kindness.
One of the most successful husbands
Hence, a successful husband recognises her inclinations, desires and moods, and tries to reconcile between them and the ideal life and behaviour he wants for her.
He understands his wife and respects her feelings
The true Muslim always understands his wife and respects her feelings. He does not criticize her or any of her relations in front of her, out of respect for her feelings. He treats her mother and father like how he’d like her to treat his mother and father. He does not disclose any secret that she has entrusted to him, or spread any story that she has told him in confidence, for carelessness in such matters all too often explodes into conflict between the spouses and extinguish the love between them.
He helps her to make up for her fallings and weaknesses
The sincere Muslim husband tries to make up for what his wife lacks, if he feels that she is lacking in knowledge and manners. He does this in the gentlest, kindest and most positive manner. If he encounters defiance or wilful deviance on her part, he brings her back to the straight and narrow in a gentle, humane and intelligent manner, avoiding harsh criticism or rebuking her in front of people, no matter what the reason. The most hurtful thing for a woman is that someone should hear her being reprimanded or witness her being scolded. The true Muslim is the most sensitive and respectful towards her feelings of others.
He knows how to strike a balance between pleasing his wife and treating his mother with kindness and respect.
He fully understands his role as a protector and maintainer (qawwam) of his wife
Man is completely responsible for his wife’s well being. The Muslim’s responsibility towards his wife does not stop at pleasing her and fulfilling her needs, but also includes her worship and conduct. He is responsible for her if she omits some acts of worship, or if she neglects or deliberately ignores her duties towards Allah. He is responsible for her good behaviour and completion of her duties. Any shortcomings on her part will detract from her husband’s manhood, diminish his Islam and damage the role of qawwam with which Allah has honoured him.
The role of qawwam over women which Islam gives to men cannot be truly fulfilled unless the husband is a successful leader of his family. The Muslim husband does not assert his manhood through roughness, cruelty, violence and harsh words. This is the manhood of ignorance. The Islamic ideal of manhood is: a strong and likeable personality; a noble attitude; tolerance and forgiveness of minor mistakes; strong adherence to the laws of Allah and determination to apply them to every member of his family; and a clear idea of the ideal Muslim home.
“This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this world is a righteous women” (Muslim)
On the basis of this view of marriage and of women, the ideal Muslim is not just attracted by the superficial physical beauty, grace and elegance that are the sole concern of empty- headed youngsters. While he may NOT ignore physical looks, he must look for strong religious beliefs and practice, intelligence and good behaviour, following the advice of the Prophet (PBUH):
“A woman may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari & Muslim)
This Hadith indicate that the best things to pay attention to are religious commitment and good character in the woman.
Although the Prophet (PBUH) advised the young Muslim to look for a religious wife, this does not mean that he should ignore his preferences regarding physical beauty. The Prophet (PBUH) encouraged seeing a women before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim will not find himself trapped in a marriage with a women he finds unattractive. The Prophet (PBUH) emphasized, in more than one Hadith, the fact that beauty is one of the basic characteristics that a man should look for in a woman, besides the other, moral, characteristics that are desirable.
However, if one dreams to marry a very righteous wife, he should work on trying to make himself righteous too. Furthermore, he should know his responsibilities and her rights over him rather than only knowing his rights over her.
The Ideal Husband
He follows the guidance of Islam in his married life
The Islamic recommendations concerning women, and the way in which Islam encourages men to respect them, are nothing short of amazing. Islam recommends men to treat women well, and give them a status that they have never enjoyed in any other religion. So we see the Prophet (PBUH) admonishing all men:
“Treat women kindly, for woman was created from a rib. The part of it that is most bent is the top. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain bent. So treat women kindly.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
According to a report given by Muslim, he (PBUH) said:
“Woman was created from a rib. She will never be straight forward and consistent for you in any way. If you enjoy her (or your relationship with her), you will do so in spite of her crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her and her breaking is her divorce.”
This description given by the Prophet (PBUH) eloquently describes the reality and nature of woman. He should not try to straighten her in the way he is convinced is correct, but he should respect her unique feminine nature and accept her the way Allah made her, complete with ‘crookedness’ meaning she will not be as he wishes in some aspects.
When the Muslim husband truly follows this guidance of the Prophet (PBUH), which is based on a deep understanding of the psychology and nature of women, he will tolerate his wife’s mistakes and turn a blind eye to her faults, recognising that these are part of her nature. Thus the marital home will be safe and calm, free from shouting or arguments.
The Prophet’s (PBUH) gave many recommendations concerning women, to the extent that he describes the man who treats his wife well as being one of the best and among the elite of this Ummah:
“The believer who has the most perfect faith is the one whose behaviour is best, and the best of you are the ones who are best to their women.” [Al Tirmidhi]
When a man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and told him that he wanted to divorce his wife because he disliked her, Umar said, “Woe to you! Are families only built on love? Where is your consideration and care?”
The true Muslim possesses enough chivalry, nobility, courtesy, patience generosity and strength of character to make him rise above any dislike of his wife in his dealings with her. The true Muslim knows how to love and how to hate. Love is not blind for him, neither does he go to extremes of dislike and hatred, but in either case his attitude is moderate and balanced.
The true Muslim is an ideal husband
He cannot be other than an ideal husband, so his wife enjoys his gentle company and close companionship, no matter how long they stay together. When he comes home, he greets his wife and children with a smiling face and extents to them the blessed greetings that Allah has enjoined and made the distinctive greeting of Islam. He should lend a hand if he sees that his wife needs his help, and he should say some words of comfort if he feels that she is complaining of tiredness, weariness or boredom. He should make her feel that she is living with a strong, generous, tolerant husband who will protect her and care for her, who cares about her and will meet all her legitimate needs as long as he is able.
He should also satisfy her femininity by making himself attractive to her- within Islamic limits-and should give her a share of his time and interest. He should not let his study, work, hobbies, responsibilities or friends take up all of his time and keep him from her. Be it 15 mins a day, he should spend some quality time with her.
Islam guarantees women’s right to enjoy her husband to the extent that it even tells the husband not to spend all his time in worship, which is the best and most honourable of deeds. The conscientious Muslim does not neglect to relieve the tedium of routine life with his wife, so he spices their daily life with a little gentle humour and playfulness from time to time. In doing so he follows the example of Prophet (PBUH).
Aisha (the wife of the Prophet) reported that once, when she went on a journey with the Prophet (PBUH), she challenged him to a race, and won. Later when she had gained weight, she raced him again, but this time he won, and told her, “This is for that.” [Ahmad & Abu Dawud]
The generous-hearted Prophet (PBUH) was so keen to make beloved young wife feel happy that he would call her to enjoy some innocent kinds of entertainment that would gladder her heart. Aaisha reports on one occasion:
“The Prophet (PBUH) was sitting, and he heard some noise from people and children outside. There was a group of people gathered around some Abyssinians who were dancing. He said, ‘O Aaisha, come and see!’ I put my cheek on his shoulder and looked through the gap. Then he said, ‘O Aaisha, have you had enough, have you had enough?’ I said , ‘No,’ just to see how much I meant to him, and I saw him shifting his weight from one foot to the other” (i.e. he was tired, but he was willing to stay as long as she wanted to watch the spectacle.) [Al-Nisai via Yazid ibn Ruman from Aaisha]
When he sees the example of the Prophet’s (PBUH) kind behaviour, generosity and good humour towards his wives, the true Muslim cannot but treat his wife kindly and gently, with an easy going attitude, so long as this is within the limits of permissible and innocent entertainment.
The true Muslim does not overreact and become angry for trivial reasons, as many ignorant husbands do, creating uproar if their wives offer them food which is not to their liking, or their meal is a little late or any other silly reason. These foolish husbands become angry without caring to know those reasons, on the basis of an incorrect understanding of the phrase, “men are qawwam un over women!”
The true Muslim does not stop at showing kindness towards his wife only, but he extends his respect towards her decent (female) friends too. A wife may become angry for any reason, and keep away from her husband, making him feel her anger. In this case a Muslim husband responds with tolerance and kindness, based on his deep insight into the psychology and nature of women. The Prophet’s wives used to argue with him and when angry, would keep away from him all day, until night falls. He used to be tolerant with them and show kindness.
One of the most successful husbands
Hence, a successful husband recognises her inclinations, desires and moods, and tries to reconcile between them and the ideal life and behaviour he wants for her.
He understands his wife and respects her feelings
The true Muslim always understands his wife and respects her feelings. He does not criticize her or any of her relations in front of her, out of respect for her feelings. He treats her mother and father like how he’d like her to treat his mother and father. He does not disclose any secret that she has entrusted to him, or spread any story that she has told him in confidence, for carelessness in such matters all too often explodes into conflict between the spouses and extinguish the love between them.
He helps her to make up for her fallings and weaknesses
The sincere Muslim husband tries to make up for what his wife lacks, if he feels that she is lacking in knowledge and manners. He does this in the gentlest, kindest and most positive manner. If he encounters defiance or wilful deviance on her part, he brings her back to the straight and narrow in a gentle, humane and intelligent manner, avoiding harsh criticism or rebuking her in front of people, no matter what the reason. The most hurtful thing for a woman is that someone should hear her being reprimanded or witness her being scolded. The true Muslim is the most sensitive and respectful towards her feelings of others.
He knows how to strike a balance between pleasing his wife and treating his mother with kindness and respect.
He fully understands his role as a protector and maintainer (qawwam) of his wife
Man is completely responsible for his wife’s well being. The Muslim’s responsibility towards his wife does not stop at pleasing her and fulfilling her needs, but also includes her worship and conduct. He is responsible for her if she omits some acts of worship, or if she neglects or deliberately ignores her duties towards Allah. He is responsible for her good behaviour and completion of her duties. Any shortcomings on her part will detract from her husband’s manhood, diminish his Islam and damage the role of qawwam with which Allah has honoured him.
The role of qawwam over women which Islam gives to men cannot be truly fulfilled unless the husband is a successful leader of his family. The Muslim husband does not assert his manhood through roughness, cruelty, violence and harsh words. This is the manhood of ignorance. The Islamic ideal of manhood is: a strong and likeable personality; a noble attitude; tolerance and forgiveness of minor mistakes; strong adherence to the laws of Allah and determination to apply them to every member of his family; and a clear idea of the ideal Muslim home.
References:
[1] Hashimi, M.A. (1997). The muslim ideal (Adobe Digital Editions version), Retrieved from http://www.kalamullah.com/Books/The%20Ideal%20Muslim.pdf
[2] Personal survey done to get women’s opinion and expectation from an ideal husband
